When I smoked for the first time...

Friday, 3rd September 2010...

It was a tiring day in college, considering the fact that I arrived early in college for a rehearsal of an upcoming economics skit cum presentation. Though my friends and I did not sit for any lecture in college that day (thanks to a misunderstanding) but at least Neel decided I should pitch in and we should make an Effective Communication Skills presentation. For that, we agreed on shooting a small video and it was also agreed that a small lake near S'hum's house would be our chosen location.

Weary and dazed with all the workload on my shoulders throughout the week, I frankly did not know what I was doing and what I would end up doing in the evening that day. The day passed by and it was time to move. As the sun was steadily setting, we reached the banks of the lake equipped with a camera, seven friends and a couple of 'Nirdosh' non-tobacco cigarette packs - and a lighter ofcourse! The camera angles were selected, the action finalised and places for each actor fixed. I went with the flow.

Overlooking the murky waters, we took our positions. Each one of us was offered a cigarette. S'hum, Cushion-boo, Ni-shady and I took one each. I watched each one put the cigarette in their mouths, flicking on the lighter and taking a puff and blowing out a cloud of smoke. The sun was setting, shooting yet to start and all eyes were on me. There was a frantic feeling of desperation - both to try it and also to run away from the mad place.

I stared at the brown cigarette in my hand for a few seconds. Out of nowhere, I was filled with a clear mind and immense courage. My brain shut off and in an instant, I pushed the evil thing into my mouth, lit it and took a great big pull. My throat felt uneasily warm and I tasted smoke on my tongue. As I let it out, I watched clouds of big, white smoke escaping my mouth. It floated away and along with those clouds of smoke, my conviction escaped too.

The shoot, the scene, the surroundings, the passerby s, the actors seemed insignificant for that moment. Gloating within yet arrested with guilt, all I could think of was the years of morals teaching me against smoking incarcerated in a few seconds. There was a pinch inside telling me what I did was wrong, but I kept convincing and consoling myself that all of it was required. As Neel called out to me asking whether I was ready or not for the shot, I pulled out of my thoughts and sat up straight and got down to business.

At the end of the day and the end of the shoot, I had puffed out four cigarettes and wished for more. I knew what happened was against the morals - my morals, yet it did not feel all that bad. I was grossed out by myself and still I felt a sense of fake pride. A new level of decrepitude I had reached and I rushed back home, trying to escape the barrage of thoughts invading my mind.

As the night grew, my thoughts were replaced with sleep. I was taken away by the cloudy land of dreams. As I drifted away into deep slumber, the last thing that came to my mind was:

"I will not smoke EVER again"

I place my trust in me and hope I live up to my own oath...